No one is forcing you to sit
Although it seems obvious, sometimes we forget that we practice of our own free will. No one is requiring that we take precepts or study the dharma or sit sesshin. No one is requiring even that we sit zazen at all. Somehow we make our own decision that we want to practice. However, it's not as though at that moment we've signed up for something and now we're going to be carried along by a system or structure that's going to go to work on us, move us through various milestones, and turn us out the other end as a finished product. We have to do our own practice; no one can do it for us. This is a recurrent theme in the teachings of the Buddha as well as both Sawaki and Uchiyama Roshis. We have to walk forward on our own legs in the direction that we want to go.
This means that we have to take responsibility for ourselves. We don't step into the sesshin container expecting it to do the work for us. We're not reliant on system requirements or on the expectations of others to keep us on the cushion for 14 zazen periods a day, and what we do with ourselves during those 14 periods is our own problem. If we decide that instead of doing zazen we'd rather analyze our circumstances, figure out how to be more creative, or "work through" our emotional struggles, it's our own doing if by the end of sesshin we realize that we've wasted a precious opportunity to awaken from the fabrication of self. If we're feeling constrained and constricted by the unchanging nature of the schedule, and compelled to rebel against the restrictions being imposed upon us, we're only rebelling against our own desire to sit sesshin. Our resistance isn't going to convince the leadership to change the schedule, make the container feel any less restrictive, or make us any less uncomfortable. We're simply working against our own aspiration to practice, and then there's little point in being in the zendo. No one is forcing us to be there, and maybe our time would be better spent elsewhere. Even if we don't intend to do these things, if we cast about for something to work on or savor during zazen in order to entertain ourselves, we're wasting our time.
One of the most important things about the sesshin container is the opportunity for restraint. The established daily schedule does not include time for looking things up on the internet, talking with friends, napping, or enjoying a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood -- and we can take this as a gift rather than a condition against which we should rebel. It's not often that we can free ourselves from these things. Writer Pico Iyer recently noted, "The future of travel, I’m reliably told, lies in 'black-hole resorts,' which charge high prices precisely because you can’t get online in their rooms." When we participate in sesshin, we voluntarily restrain ourselves from engaging in our usual distractions, and for some, this may feel like the most challenging endurance of all. Yet, secluding ourselves from the ordinary activities and obligations of our daily lives from time to time is a practice we share with many other spiritual traditions in order to make the space necessary to see our hindrances and move them out of the way. Sawaki Roshi said that he spent his entire life being watched by zazen, being scolded by zazen and being blocked by zazen. That doesn't mean he was struggling with sitting. It's an expression of the reality that in zazen, our delusions are obstructed, and that the small self that is driven by ego is restrained from doing whatever it wants. Loosening the ego's grip and its need for control is an important part of encountering the universal self and experiencing some peace.
Since the schedule is fairly demanding even today, participants sometimes ask whether they can skip periods in order to go do other things. In this style of sesshin, every period is zuiza, or free sitting, and it is completely possible to create your own schedule. If you choose to move in and out of the sesshin container, no one will stop you (unless you have a work assignment and others are counting on you), but you'll need to ask yourself why you've chosen to participate in this type of sesshin, where the whole point is to be in a circumstance with as little influence from the outside world and as much repetition and consistency as possible. Popping in and out, even for one period, breaks the container for you and works against your aspiration. It's like wriggling and squirming during zazen.
Consider the challenge of spending hours at a time letting go of thought and loosening the grip of your own habituated thinking, going out of the zendo to engage in some other more interesting activity, and then returning and trying once again to settle into the sesshin. Okumura Roshi explained, "In Uchiyama-style sesshin, we just follow the bell or gong. We don’t need to think about what is next. Next is always sitting. That is the difference between his style of sesshin and other kinds of sesshin where there are many different kinds of activities like chanting, oryoki meals, lectures or interview or work practice. In that case, we go back and forth between sitting and other activities, and we have to think what is next and it takes a little time to return to zazen. That is why I make a clear distinction between sesshin and retreat. During sesshin we really focus on sitting without doing anything else."
There is no reward for time spent on the cushion. No one is keeping score toward moving you closer to an upgrade. It won't qualify you for anything. No system or outside authority is making you sit. It's always your own choice. What are you going to do with that opportunity? If you're not really interested in meeting the universal self, why sit sesshin? If, however, you have this persistent feeling that there's something beyond your own voice that you ought to be in touch with, something beyond the usual subject/object view that results from the fabrications of your thinking about who you are, then sesshin can be a place to experience that.
This means that we have to take responsibility for ourselves. We don't step into the sesshin container expecting it to do the work for us. We're not reliant on system requirements or on the expectations of others to keep us on the cushion for 14 zazen periods a day, and what we do with ourselves during those 14 periods is our own problem. If we decide that instead of doing zazen we'd rather analyze our circumstances, figure out how to be more creative, or "work through" our emotional struggles, it's our own doing if by the end of sesshin we realize that we've wasted a precious opportunity to awaken from the fabrication of self. If we're feeling constrained and constricted by the unchanging nature of the schedule, and compelled to rebel against the restrictions being imposed upon us, we're only rebelling against our own desire to sit sesshin. Our resistance isn't going to convince the leadership to change the schedule, make the container feel any less restrictive, or make us any less uncomfortable. We're simply working against our own aspiration to practice, and then there's little point in being in the zendo. No one is forcing us to be there, and maybe our time would be better spent elsewhere. Even if we don't intend to do these things, if we cast about for something to work on or savor during zazen in order to entertain ourselves, we're wasting our time.
One of the most important things about the sesshin container is the opportunity for restraint. The established daily schedule does not include time for looking things up on the internet, talking with friends, napping, or enjoying a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood -- and we can take this as a gift rather than a condition against which we should rebel. It's not often that we can free ourselves from these things. Writer Pico Iyer recently noted, "The future of travel, I’m reliably told, lies in 'black-hole resorts,' which charge high prices precisely because you can’t get online in their rooms." When we participate in sesshin, we voluntarily restrain ourselves from engaging in our usual distractions, and for some, this may feel like the most challenging endurance of all. Yet, secluding ourselves from the ordinary activities and obligations of our daily lives from time to time is a practice we share with many other spiritual traditions in order to make the space necessary to see our hindrances and move them out of the way. Sawaki Roshi said that he spent his entire life being watched by zazen, being scolded by zazen and being blocked by zazen. That doesn't mean he was struggling with sitting. It's an expression of the reality that in zazen, our delusions are obstructed, and that the small self that is driven by ego is restrained from doing whatever it wants. Loosening the ego's grip and its need for control is an important part of encountering the universal self and experiencing some peace.
Since the schedule is fairly demanding even today, participants sometimes ask whether they can skip periods in order to go do other things. In this style of sesshin, every period is zuiza, or free sitting, and it is completely possible to create your own schedule. If you choose to move in and out of the sesshin container, no one will stop you (unless you have a work assignment and others are counting on you), but you'll need to ask yourself why you've chosen to participate in this type of sesshin, where the whole point is to be in a circumstance with as little influence from the outside world and as much repetition and consistency as possible. Popping in and out, even for one period, breaks the container for you and works against your aspiration. It's like wriggling and squirming during zazen.
Consider the challenge of spending hours at a time letting go of thought and loosening the grip of your own habituated thinking, going out of the zendo to engage in some other more interesting activity, and then returning and trying once again to settle into the sesshin. Okumura Roshi explained, "In Uchiyama-style sesshin, we just follow the bell or gong. We don’t need to think about what is next. Next is always sitting. That is the difference between his style of sesshin and other kinds of sesshin where there are many different kinds of activities like chanting, oryoki meals, lectures or interview or work practice. In that case, we go back and forth between sitting and other activities, and we have to think what is next and it takes a little time to return to zazen. That is why I make a clear distinction between sesshin and retreat. During sesshin we really focus on sitting without doing anything else."
There is no reward for time spent on the cushion. No one is keeping score toward moving you closer to an upgrade. It won't qualify you for anything. No system or outside authority is making you sit. It's always your own choice. What are you going to do with that opportunity? If you're not really interested in meeting the universal self, why sit sesshin? If, however, you have this persistent feeling that there's something beyond your own voice that you ought to be in touch with, something beyond the usual subject/object view that results from the fabrications of your thinking about who you are, then sesshin can be a place to experience that.
