The third precept: not indulging in sexual greed
from Hoko
The teachings about attachment, desire and suffering apply with this precept as well as the last one. There are various traps we can fall into with sex and relationships: becoming attached to another person as our property, becoming attached to our ideas about the nature of relationships, or becoming attached to our ideas about who we are in relationships with others.
Modern Zen doesn’t have specific teachings about with whom we can and can’t have relationships. The early teachings were aimed at men in India who left home to join the sangha, and they were trying to loosen the grip of sense desires in order to reach Nirvana, so they were told to remain celibate. These days, clergy and laity take the same precepts, and clergy are not required to be celibate. Many have families, just as laypeople frequently do. Thus these days no one cares too much about celibacy -- unless someone is being harmed. In our tradition today this precept is about the misuse of sexuality and relationships and other people.
Just like any other toy we think we can acquire, if we become attached to another person and expect that person always to make us happy, we will suffer and so will he/she/they. Each person in the relationship is always changing, and the nature of the relationship is changing as well. Sometimes one person will be stronger or more nurturing or have more money, and sometimes the other. We have to explore how to be wholehearted in the relationship and still hold it gently.
Common problems include using the relationship as a means to have power over someone else and validate ourselves; being manipulative in the relationship and using sex, attraction or false impressions to get what we want; and making a commitment to someone else and then intentionally not keeping it. All of these things are not bodhisattva activities. They cause harm and suffering to others based on our delusions about the nature of self.
The clear-mind version of this precept says we should respect others and be faithful, and be deserving of the trust others put in us that allows them to be vulnerable and authentic. We have to respect the needs of others to be their own authentic selves and not assume they’re just there for our benefit, not only lovers but parents, children, friends, and coworkers. We must see through our own habituated thinking and delusion, and notice when greed and attachment are coming up. Other people are not required to love us even if we’re attracted to them, and we can’t force that. They don’t have to do what we think they should do. Yes, we can make an effort to make ourselves agreeable to others, but what’s the motivation? Is it wholesome or not? Are we offering what they really need, or just what we want to offer, or what we would want in a similar situation? Otherwise our offering is not about them, it’s about us.
There are three things we use to create karma: body, speech and mind. All of these are elements in our relationships, so we need to watch how we use them. A physical relationship is not impure if we’re paying attention to attachment and what we want out of that encounter. How we talk to our significant others is important. Is what we’re saying true and wise and helpful, or designed to influence that person in some way so we get something for ourselves? Finally, how we think about others is the beginning of it all; when you notice someone attractive across the zendo or at the bus stop, are you judging, evaluating and labeling, or are you seeing a whole person?
The three poisons of greed, anger and ignorance get in the way of our relationships. These will always arise because we are limited human beings and our karma is always unfolding and working itself out. Our practice is always incomplete, and we have to pay attention, watch what’s arising, take responsibility for ourselves and our actions and renew our aspiration to live in Buddha’s way. On the other hand, there’s nothing outside Buddha’s Way, so we could say that whatever we’re doing, deluded or not, is fine. It doesn’t matter what we do or whether we’re harming others because everything is empty. There is no one harming and no one to be harmed.
Well, we know that’s not a useful approach! Again, we can’t live only the world of emptiness or only in the world of form. We have to live in the midst of both because they arise together and are completely interpenetrated.
When we base relationships on understanding reality, we can have healthy relationships. They’re also an important container or ground of practice; in fact, there’s no way they can be separate from practice. We have to practice and get our own body, speech and mind in order before we can engage wisely and compassionately with others. In relationships, we also get to have ourselves reflected back to us and we can see where we’ve gone off the rails. Doing that compassionately for each other is a real gift, like a sangha of two.
Okumura Roshi says: Using others to fulfill our own desires, even when we’re part of a couple or a family, creates a relationship that’s not based on dharma or awakening to oneness. It creates samsara. It’s not simply a matter of dealing with everyday relationship problems; if our behavior isn’t right, our whole lives become deeply twisted. To fix unhealthy relationships, we have to fix the most basic foundation of our lives.
The teachings about attachment, desire and suffering apply with this precept as well as the last one. There are various traps we can fall into with sex and relationships: becoming attached to another person as our property, becoming attached to our ideas about the nature of relationships, or becoming attached to our ideas about who we are in relationships with others.
Modern Zen doesn’t have specific teachings about with whom we can and can’t have relationships. The early teachings were aimed at men in India who left home to join the sangha, and they were trying to loosen the grip of sense desires in order to reach Nirvana, so they were told to remain celibate. These days, clergy and laity take the same precepts, and clergy are not required to be celibate. Many have families, just as laypeople frequently do. Thus these days no one cares too much about celibacy -- unless someone is being harmed. In our tradition today this precept is about the misuse of sexuality and relationships and other people.
Just like any other toy we think we can acquire, if we become attached to another person and expect that person always to make us happy, we will suffer and so will he/she/they. Each person in the relationship is always changing, and the nature of the relationship is changing as well. Sometimes one person will be stronger or more nurturing or have more money, and sometimes the other. We have to explore how to be wholehearted in the relationship and still hold it gently.
Common problems include using the relationship as a means to have power over someone else and validate ourselves; being manipulative in the relationship and using sex, attraction or false impressions to get what we want; and making a commitment to someone else and then intentionally not keeping it. All of these things are not bodhisattva activities. They cause harm and suffering to others based on our delusions about the nature of self.
The clear-mind version of this precept says we should respect others and be faithful, and be deserving of the trust others put in us that allows them to be vulnerable and authentic. We have to respect the needs of others to be their own authentic selves and not assume they’re just there for our benefit, not only lovers but parents, children, friends, and coworkers. We must see through our own habituated thinking and delusion, and notice when greed and attachment are coming up. Other people are not required to love us even if we’re attracted to them, and we can’t force that. They don’t have to do what we think they should do. Yes, we can make an effort to make ourselves agreeable to others, but what’s the motivation? Is it wholesome or not? Are we offering what they really need, or just what we want to offer, or what we would want in a similar situation? Otherwise our offering is not about them, it’s about us.
There are three things we use to create karma: body, speech and mind. All of these are elements in our relationships, so we need to watch how we use them. A physical relationship is not impure if we’re paying attention to attachment and what we want out of that encounter. How we talk to our significant others is important. Is what we’re saying true and wise and helpful, or designed to influence that person in some way so we get something for ourselves? Finally, how we think about others is the beginning of it all; when you notice someone attractive across the zendo or at the bus stop, are you judging, evaluating and labeling, or are you seeing a whole person?
The three poisons of greed, anger and ignorance get in the way of our relationships. These will always arise because we are limited human beings and our karma is always unfolding and working itself out. Our practice is always incomplete, and we have to pay attention, watch what’s arising, take responsibility for ourselves and our actions and renew our aspiration to live in Buddha’s way. On the other hand, there’s nothing outside Buddha’s Way, so we could say that whatever we’re doing, deluded or not, is fine. It doesn’t matter what we do or whether we’re harming others because everything is empty. There is no one harming and no one to be harmed.
Well, we know that’s not a useful approach! Again, we can’t live only the world of emptiness or only in the world of form. We have to live in the midst of both because they arise together and are completely interpenetrated.
When we base relationships on understanding reality, we can have healthy relationships. They’re also an important container or ground of practice; in fact, there’s no way they can be separate from practice. We have to practice and get our own body, speech and mind in order before we can engage wisely and compassionately with others. In relationships, we also get to have ourselves reflected back to us and we can see where we’ve gone off the rails. Doing that compassionately for each other is a real gift, like a sangha of two.
Okumura Roshi says: Using others to fulfill our own desires, even when we’re part of a couple or a family, creates a relationship that’s not based on dharma or awakening to oneness. It creates samsara. It’s not simply a matter of dealing with everyday relationship problems; if our behavior isn’t right, our whole lives become deeply twisted. To fix unhealthy relationships, we have to fix the most basic foundation of our lives.
